Coping with Grief and Loss [ Blog Post ]

 

This pandemic has seen grief and loss not only throughout the country but also across the world. Whilst it is difficult for any individual to bear loss of a loved one, such a loss becomes even more incomprehensible to children.  

Grieving can start at an early age; children grieve, but they grieve differently from adults. They may seem to go in and out of grief and they show their grief in less direct ways than most adults - one day they may seem to be more like their normal selves and at other times they seem to become demanding, sad, angry despondent and moody. Children come across many kinds of grief, loss and separation, sometimes it may come very early in their life. This can be due to many reasons:

·       Losing a parent/parents

·       Losing siblings

·       Losing grandparents

·       Losing relatives- Cousins, Aunts, Uncles close to them

·       Losing their close friend /neighbour

·       Facing war and violence

·       Experiencing natural calamities like flood, fire, earthquakes.

·       Developing disabilities due to illness /accidents

·       Enduring long period of separation from parents /grandparents

·       Moving away from familiar neighbourhood to places unknown or different from their

experience

·       Changing of school/city due to transfer of parents

·       Migrating to other countries thereby losing out familiar language, culture, families, friends

etc

·       Failing in exams

·       Losing a pet

·       Witnessing Divorce or separation of parents

Experience of grief and the intensity varies on the type of loss – for example, the grief associated with moving to another city may be mild and transient, the loss of parent/parents threatens the very foundation of a child’s existence. Very young children are unable to express their feelings the way adults do, so their grief manifests itself in several other ways:

·       Being destructive

·       Acting like a younger child demanding attention

·       Suffering from pain and aches...headaches, stomach ache etc

·       Not being able to sleep...often waking up with nightmares and bad dreams

·       Eating disorders - either eating too little or too much

·       Easily getting upset - even at the most trivial things

·       Throwing temper tantrums

·       Behaving and acting like an adult

·       Idolising the person who has gone as being perfect

·       Displaying the need to be forever close to an adult- clinging

·       Feeling fearful of accidents, death of a loved one and /or self

·       Developing problems in school and/or being unable to concentrate on a task for long

·       Indulging in angry play often repetitively playing the same game again and again

·       Truancy in school

·       Drug or alcohol abuse

·       Inflicting injury to self

 

Sudden unexpected loss makes grief more difficult to to bear. Gradual predictable transitions, though painful, make the loss comparatively easier to deal with as there is a level of preparedness involved in this.

 

Helping children to cope with grief and loss

The following may be useful to you if you are a parent, teacher, caregiver or a relative trying to help children with their sorrow and grief:

·       Be a good listener. Encourage and give opportunity to the child to talk about his/her grief - to tell their story

·       Grieving is a process, there is no end date. Parents and schools need to give time to a child to grieve in the manner that works for him/her. Pressuring children to resume normal activities without dealing with their emotional pain may give rise to negative feelings and emotions

·       Give allowance for individual variations. Everyone does not cope with the grief the same way or with same feelings and intensity

·       Help children understand loss and death. Give the information at the level they understand but do not lie or tell half truths about the tragic event

·       There is no orderly way of coping with grief. Each person grieves in a different way as there is no “correct” way for people moving through the grieving process

·       Let the child know that you understand what they are feeling. Children sometimes are too upset to share their feelings. Giving them time, encouragement and unconditional support helps them move out of their sad zone

·       The grieving process is complicated; in case of a sudden violent death of a loved one grief can be complicated by the need of justice and vengeance

·       Be aware of your own need to grieve, working on children’s need is important, but, do not ignore your own emotional need

·       Professional help is required if:

o   If a child talks of being better off dead than alive

o   Seems preoccupied with death

o   Is unable to concentrate in school and remains withdrawn for months

o   Seems depressed and cries most of the time

o   Remains aloof and refuses to play with other children

o   Has nightmares and hallucinations

o   Displays sleep difficulties

o   Is constantly irritable and lacks concentration

·       Children are not very forthcoming in expressing their grief.  Their agony is often judged negatively by adults who do not understand this and sometimes attribute the negative response to ADD or ADHD, slow learners, trouble-makers or even attention seekers

As adults we need to empathize, understand the grief or loss and recognize their plea for help. Support from classmates, teachers, friends and strong family ties is the therapy the child looks for in this time of distress when he/she is feeling abysmally low and distressed.

 

                                                                                                                        - Yasmin Contractor